Strategies to Overcome the Compulsion of Constantly Centering Discussions on Yourself

In the realm of effective communication, empathic listening stands as a cornerstone for fostering deeper connections and understanding in both personal and professional relationships.

A Minnesota-based communications consultant and coach, Amelia Reigstad, has identified a common pitfall in conversations known as "autobiographical listening." This behaviour occurs when individuals listen with the intention of responding rather than actively listening. Reigstad warns that this can lead to conversations becoming more about oneself than the other person.

To combat this, psychotherapist Meg Gitlin, based in New York City, encourages individuals to practice empathic listening. This approach involves listening to understand, not to reply. Gitlin advises against constantly sharing how something relates to one's own experiences, as it can be interpreted as thoughtless and, at its worst, selfish. Instead, she suggests asking what the person is looking for in a conversation to be most helpful.

Dr. Harriet Braiker, a psychotherapist mentioned in an article on "conversational narcissism," echoes Gitlin's sentiments. Autobiographical listening can be described as a form of "conversational narcissism," characterized by individuals steering discussions back to themselves or jumping in with their own experiences.

To deepen conversations and make the person feel understood, it's beneficial to demonstrate active listening by paraphrasing and giving the person back what they're saying. This can help create a more collaborative and engaging dialogue.

Fine, another psychotherapist, offers additional advice. He recommends showing an interest in the other person's vacation, child, or project at work before disclosing a commonality. He also advises giving oneself time limits to avoid talking about oneself at all times in all conversations. Fine warns against the impulse of 'matching' others in conversation right away and advises against giving the impression of 'been there, done that' in responses to other people's experiences.

Perhaps Fine's most poignant advice is his mantra to assume the burden of other people's comfort in conversations. This means being mindful of the other person's feelings and ensuring they feel heard and understood. When someone needs to be truly understood, jumping in with one's own related stories can get in the way, according to Amelia Reigstad.

Instead, Fine recommends focusing on what one doesn't know and asking questions to show an interest and learn from the other person. Gitlin encourages people to consider what sharing their own experience will bring to the table other than changing the subject. She advises asking if it's a good time to talk about oneself after fully listening to and engaging with what the other person has to say.

Remembering times when one has been on the other side of a conversation where they felt their turn to speak was hijacked can help individuals understand how it feels to be less understood and seen, and encourage them to give the other person their full attention and space to express themselves.

In essence, empathic listening is about creating a safe space for others to share their thoughts and feelings, and truly understanding their perspective. By practicing empathic listening, we can transform conversations into meaningful connections.

Strategies to Overcome the Compulsion of Constantly Centering Discussions on Yourself