Frequent Concerns Routinely Discussed by Dissatisfied Couples in Therapy, According to Counselor

In the intricate world of relationships, many of us grapple with feelings of loneliness, fear, and uncertainty. Therapist Sherry Amatenstein, author of "The Q&A Dating Book, Love Lessons from Bad Breakups," and "The Complete Marriage Counselor," offers insights into these common struggles.

Tara P., a 39-year-old woman, found herself putting her fiancé through a series of tests to prove his loyalty. The result was a losing score for both parties, underscoring the destructive effects of suspicion and mistrust in a relationship.

S Sixty percent of the patients Amatenstein counsels complain of feeling more alone in their double bed than when they slept solo, a sobering statistic that highlights the disconnect many experience in their partnerships.

Kate M., a 40-year-old woman, lamented that her husband of three years, Don, didn't understand or care about her feelings. This lack of emotional connection is a common complaint among couples, often leading to feelings of isolation.

Jenna E., a 29-year-old woman, struggles with serial monogamy and feeling distant from her current boyfriend. Her search for happiness in a relationship is often clouded by an inner emptiness that no partner can fill. Amatenstein's advice for Jenna is to focus on things she loves about herself, activities that bring her joy, and being able to feel good when alone.

The fear of repeating the mistakes of divorced parents often underlies a secret fear of ultimately doing something to mess things up in a relationship. A 2021 study delves into this fear, providing valuable insights for those navigating the complexities of love.

Amatenstein also suggests looking for positive romantic role models to emulate as a means of achieving a successful relationship. Sharon M., a 42-year-old single mother, feels romantically jinxed due to a messy divorce and her doomsday mindset. Amatenstein encourages Sharon to stop recycling the 'poor me' card and start repeating a new mantra: "I'm sick of being a victim. It's in my power to sustain a great relationship."

Emotional estrangement in long-term partnerships is often rooted in a fear of being single and settling for less in a relationship, according to research in Personality and Social Psychology. This fear can manifest in hiding one's true self in a relationship, a practice that can impact the health of the relationship and the well-being of individuals, as a 2010 study suggests.

Janet B., a 34-year-old divorcee, hid parts of her past from her husband, leading to feelings of estrangement. Amatenstein suggests a listening and comprehension exercise for couples to improve their communication skills, a crucial factor in overcoming such barriers.

Happiness, Amatenstein stresses, is an inside job. A partner can't just be a temporary distraction from loneliness. Instead, their role is to add to your life, not make your life fulfilling.

In seeking to build strong, lasting relationships, Amatenstein encourages us to find and emulate couples who have been together 10 years or more and are happy to share their secrets for a successful relationship. By learning from these role models, we can navigate the complexities of love with greater understanding and resilience.

Frequent Concerns Routinely Discussed by Dissatisfied Couples in Therapy, According to Counselor