Habits in Relationships That Increase the Chance of a Divorce

Four Habits Commonly Preceding Matrimonial Dissolution

In the realm of relationship dynamics, renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman has made a significant impact. He is known for identifying the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," a set of negative communication patterns that are predictors of divorce in married couples.

The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These commonalities, observed by Dr. Gottman, are crucial to understanding the pitfalls in communication that can lead to relationship dissatisfaction.

Criticism, for instance, involves attacking your partner's character, beliefs, personality, appearance, or actions. Contempt, on the other hand, is a more severe escalation, often stemming from a sense of superiority. It manifests in eye-rolling, sneering, sarcasm, name-calling, disrespectful language, and mocking. If contempt takes root long term, it may damage the relationship and you or your partner's self-esteem.

Defensiveness, meanwhile, occurs when you or your partner denies responsibility when communicating to or about the other. Stonewalling, the last of the Four Horsemen, involves one partner disengaging from a conversation, often by pretending to be busy, lack of eye contact, no communication, engaging in other activities not related to the conversation, and may signal the dissolution of a relationship.

Interestingly, none of the Horsemen are predictors of divorce on their own. However, if they are a fixture in a relationship, it may be time to seek help. Couples therapy can be helpful in learning healthy ways of navigating conflict, communicating more effectively, and improving relationship satisfaction.

Seeking help is essential if you find yourself presented with these issues. It's never too late to learn better ways of communicating with and relating to one another. In fact, a 2021 study conducted with 72 Iranian couples found that those couples that had gone through online Gottman interventions had increased constructive communication with one another.

Gottman's identified antidotes to stonewalling include physiological self-soothing, while contempt can be countered with empathy, respect, and appreciation. Understanding the Four Horsemen and their antidotes is vital to creating relationship satisfaction.

It's worth noting that unhealthy styles of communication that lead to divorce may also block recoupling after a divorce. A 2019 study suggests that these patterns can have long-term effects on one's well-being, potentially leading to illness.

In conclusion, understanding and addressing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. By recognising these patterns and learning to communicate effectively, couples can build stronger, more satisfying relationships.